What i have been...

September 24, 2013. 11:34 am. 

 I promised my self that i wont be sad again. It's not you who built my life. I should celebrate the life i have now. I promised i wont go back on that same step where i was stuck. I promised not to worry anymore. Its my choice to go on. I was not able to see that it is still worth it. Apparently, i was blinded that people can change and i figured i was wrong. 

I forgot that we can build relationships but not personalities. That we are bound not to be one instead should be together. It just that none of us would like to compromise. Non of us would like to share. I am guilty of mistakes that i did. We should be guilty of the mistakes we did. But we throw out words no human deserves it. We do actions no human deserves it. 

I forgot that we can build relationships but not personalities. That we are bound not to e one instead should be together. And it has ended. Few months ago...

After that conversation, i thought I'm ok. I am on my best state. I dug my self to work became outstanding of what i'm doing. Was recognized for being such. I had my routines back. Pulled my gain back. Built my social confidence back. Until... 

One night we met, again. We decided to talk. I am confident that i'am ready. The moment i entered the door i pulled all my insights tight and should not be blinded. Guards are up and ready for any blasts. I saw you. You were smiling. I dragged the chair sat down. Placed my hand comfortably on top of the table. I am strong. My guards are up. I'm on keen eye. Then you started talking. We started talking. Eventually placed your hands on top of my hands. I was melted. My guards went down. I was really melted. My heart was screaming out, wanted to hug you tight. And you still kept on smiling.  Stood up. Dragged me to the place where we met. A place you knew which is important to me. Important to us. The place where the very first time that i saw your eyes, your smile and where your smell marked on my nose. The place where we met. 

We grabbed some cocktails and talk about what we've gone so far after 6 months. I told you how i was at work. You told me how are you and your mom. We've talked about your mom who missed me too. We've talked about what we usually do before: watching volleyball game, i play online games and your busy watching me, we watch series of western shows and above all reading all body language that we have. I enjoyed. I was melted. Guards down. Im in love again. Still in love with you. Hitting the last drop...  We spent the night together. 

I woke up. Kissed you goodbye. Ran home. Grabbed the phone. Called a friend. Called another friend. Crying and mourning. I was in pain. In pain of the things we can't get back. In pain of not having you back. In pain of not worth it a try. In pain of same set up. That you have proven me right. That you're still the same. Will not compromise, will not be together and cannot be change. Sorry, i forgot what i just said...

"I forgot that we can build relationships but not personalities. That we are bound not to e one instead should be together. And it has ended. Few months ago..."

And so failure started. I never realized what happened next. I cant blame it to no one. Not you. You will not control my life. You will not control my job and you will not control my life... Am i saying it to you, am i convincing others or i'm letting my self believe on that thought? Apparently, it did happened. Behavioral changes. I take pictures without smiling. I get in to details, talk about it and prove anything is maybe wrong. I am late for two hours which is inversely not me. I forgot the law of "at, on and in" which is very vital in sentence and context correlations. Not me. I entertain my self by going to places i can be drown by cocktails, hugged by pillows, surrounded by prawns and fooled by grins. I cant blame it to no one. Not you. You will not control my life. You will not control my job and you will not control my life... Am i saying it to you, am i convincing others or i'm letting my self believe on that thought? Not me. Not any more. It costed my life, my job, my behaviors. My future.  Not me. I cant blame you. 

I tried to erase any memories we had. Apparently, your face that i see on my wall, on my door, on my phone, in the wind and in my heart. I hear your sweet voice, talking to me. I sense your warm heart. I feel your hug. Im scared. Im crazy. Every night i have my eyes filled with tears. It wont drop, it just drown my eyes and then i'll fall asleep. Running away from what i feel. Hiding from the memories i knew. 

I ended up partying, mourning and drinking. And who knows i'll find someone who may understand me. Who may have my heart back. And guess what? On one of the parties, i saw. You held my hand and said that you cared. You hugged me and said you're worried. Genuine and pure. My eyes was drawn to your sight. Im trying to find it. Im looking for it. My eyes were filled. I cant. The party must go on. Im one of the organizer. I should be busy accommodating. I withdrawn myself from your skin. Continued what i'm doing. Genuine and pure. Im trying to find it. Im looking for it. My eyes were filled but i'm still busy accommodating.  I gazed upon you and was surprised what i just saw. Genuine and pure. I cant. The party must go on. You're skin to her skin. You're cherry red face on top of her pale face. Cheers i said. The party should go on. My eyes are filled and my glass was filled too in one shot. 

That night... The sky was covered with black blanket with glitters of star. And i was too young to understand. I showed up on my office. Set up my tools. My eyes are filled. Walked out. Ran to the hall way. Hit the elevator. Went down as fast i could. Drawn my badge out. Got the cab. Everything was so fast. I cant even recognize the face of the people i got along while doing these. Texted my boss that i cant go to work anymore for personal reasons. Sat down in a bus. Headed to north. Headed home. Back at home. I woke up with the bright sky which is not me to describe with 

I'm selfish. I admit to my self i am selfish. I closed the door. I am now lying on the bed. My room. Back at home. Im secured. Talked to my stuffed toys. Im now secured. Im convincing my self. And ended up writing this. Its not you but its me yet the world is not all about me. Im sorry. I feel sorry for myself. For what coping i've done with my life. I cant blame you. Im still convincing my self. Still contemplating about what i have done. I wish i'll just wake up someday i don't have the thoughts of you. Not even the smallest freckles that you do. Not even the song i sang for you. I wish i'll just wake up someday that its not all about you but it will be all about me. I wish i can still wake up after what i did...

Sincerely,

Carlos

Ps note. Im sorry mama for being a failure to you. I'll see you again someday. Im so sorry for what i did. I love you. 

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"Mama! Mama! Ma!" dali daling sigaw ni Maria. May tensyon at nanginginig ang hawak na papel. "Tangna! Nagluluto ako dito e. Tignan mo nga to!" sumbat naman ng naaaligagang ina sa kusina. Ilang saglit nakalipas narinig na ng ina ang paghagulgul ng bunso nyang anak. 

Patakbo na itong sumugod sa kwartong pinanggagalingan ng boses. At di makapaniwala sa nakikita. Tumulo ang luha. Nayanig ang puso. Niyapos ng madali ang anak. Namula ang puti niyang damit. "Anak, bat di mo sinabi sa akin..." Hagulgol ng mauulilang ina.